“He Is My World. I Could Not Imagine Life Without Him.”
When I met him, my instinct did not deceive me that he has a thing for me and that I could confidently say. He made me feel special, yes, in everything he does; he made me feel like a VIP. As expected, I fell for his trap. I became too dependent on him without knowing if he also has special attention to me. I was hesitant to confront him, as he’s too coward to confess. In the end, we just let things happen as they were. Days go by and I realized how much I had given most of my time to him. I did not know that I tolerated our status unlabeled for two years because we were happy with each other as if we were officially together. Until that dreadful day came and I realized that I had no right over him when I learned that he was courting someone else. That very moment I felt numb, I wanted to cry, but not a single teardrop would fall off from my eyes. I wanted to scream so loud, but no sound would resonate from my throat, and the only thing that was clear to me that moment was the fact that my world is being taken away from me. I was scared to lose him as he was my ALL. But I forgot we had no particular connection.
“It’s Okay, As Long As He Has Time For Me. I Can Keep Up With This Set-Up.”
No, I cannot just give up on him. Despite the unspoken pain I had, I stayed. Notwithstanding the fact that he is romantically seeing someone. It did not matter because I have made myself cling to the idea that I am the first woman in his life. I came first, so nothing is going to change with our set-up. As this relationship continued, I filtered my guilty thoughts. I became selfish that I allow him to cheat on me because I was thinking of my happiness, that as long as he spends time with me, it also means that I still matter to him.
“Wait, This Is No Longer Right. I Am No Longer Happy.”
For almost half a year, I have been justifying why I should matter in his life, and during these times, he was still spending some time with me. Then I realized that I never felt happy because I was begging for his attention. The only reason why he was giving time to me is that he does not want to start an argument with me. Moreover, that made me come to my senses how pathetic I am to beg for his time. I was consumed by my fear of losing him that I did everything just to make him stay. I have been too hard on myself for making someone love me.
“I Thought I Could Not Do It, But I Did.”
My goal at that time was to make him realize that I am the one, so I just kept on loving him and prayed that one day he would wake up and appreciate how much he needed me in his life. But along the way, I felt like something is lacking. Loving him was too exhausting, and waiting for him to love me back was shattering. I became unhappy with how I allowed myself to be deceived by this kind of relationship. It was painful on my part. It was like being hit by a devastating storm that I could not escape nor survive. I thought I would not be able to let him go, but I was wrong.
Seeing how pitiful I become was a wakeup call for me to let go, and that there is nothing wrong in surrendering and accepting the fact that there are certain people who would not stay in our lives. That like him, I should also be happy, and that is by unloving him.
Yes, sometimes, it is not always the act of loving someone who could make us happy. Unloving people could also lead us to happiness, and unloving means letting go of the person you love for you to allow happiness to fill your life. It is also accepting the fact that you cannot force love, and lastly, unloving means loving the person that you are willing to let go of him because you are not his happiness.