I am proud to announce Colorado’s first ever Fat Girl Clothing Swap. I am co-conspiring with one of the original organizers of the Fat Girl Flea Market, Tina Arroyo, to create a day of fat, fashion, and fabulousness. We were talking about how it’s often difficult to find cute clothes in plus sizes and even more difficult to find them in Colorado (the closest Avenue is in Albuquerque!). We thought it would be fun to have a clothing swap so we could meet some great people and essentially throw a big party where everyone leaves with cute clothes. While we’re at it, we thought we would give back to the fat community by donating all proceeds to FLARE!, an organization that helps people affected by weight discrimination.

Thus was born the Fat Girl Clothing Swap. All information about the Swap can be found at our website, but here are some great reasons to participate:

• We will have gift bags with surprises and tons of resources for fat girls for the first 50 shoppers.
• You will find clothes from all your favorite stores at a tenth of the cost.
• We have several awesome raffle prizes that will include art, books, and services.
• You’ll be able to get rid of clothes you don’t wear to make room for fabulous new clothes that you will find at the Swap.
• All proceeds are going to a wonderful charity that is out there fighting for the rights of fat people in the United States.
• We will have a make-up station so you can get a beauty make-over with your new clothes.
• For those interested, we will be taking fashion photographs of shoppers in a new outfit and we will email you the pictures.
• It is going to be a blast! We’ll have great music, dedicated volunteers who want you to look and feel fabulous, and plenty of cute clothes for any occasion.

If you would like to volunteer for the event, donate clothes*, donate a raffle prize, or have any questions, please feel free to use the contact page on this site or email me at kimberly [at] fabandfat [dot] com.

*Please note:  You do not have to live in the Denver Metro area to donate clothes.  If you’d like to clean out your closets and send us the clothes for the swap, please email me for details.

There’s a lot about that process that did not produce feelings of happiness for me though. Many times, the whole planning thing eluded me because I didn’t actually know what to do or how to plan for what I wanted. Often the action that I thought I should take wasn’t fun or reinforced a story that didn’t feel right to me. Sometimes even if I had planned and taken action, the results didn’t come or didn’t conform to my expectations. I began to believe that there was something wrong with how I was approaching the process or with my discipline or with the goals I had set. I lost confidence in my intuition and got stuck in a big “I don’t know” cycle: I don’t know how to plan for this, I don’t know what steps to take, I don’t really know what I want, so how can I plan or take action, if I can’t take action I can’t go anywhere, I’m stuck but the only way to get unstuck is to do something, etc. Yuck!

Lately, though, I’ve discovered that the most liberating, happy-making thought I can have is “I don’t know.” It’s a big leap, I realize, but the reason “I don’t know” is so hard is that typically we attach fear to it as if not knowing will bring us misery and only knowing will bring us what we want. But what if we don’t have to know anything? What if good things can happen to us without knowing how and when they will come and without knowing exactly what we want? What if doing something is beside the point? (How does that thought make you feel? A little scared at not having control over the process maybe? Good! That’s exactly where I’m poking you. Poke. Poke.)

The Law of Attraction (1. Ask, 2. Answer, 3. Receive) says that if you ask for something and then come into alignment with it, you will have it every time. At no point during this process do you have to know anything.

Step 1 is asking, which we do all the time anyway. Even if we don’t know exactly what we want, we are always asking for more happiness. I’d like more money because then I’d be happier. I’d like to be healthier because then I’d be happier. I’d like to be in a great relationship because then I’d be happier. When we’re faced with contrast in our lives we are noticing what we don’t want and asking for a situation that makes us happier. If you know something specific that will make you happier, great! But you don’t have to know for good things to come into your life.

Step 2, the how/where/when, is completely and utterly out of our control. And what a relief that is! Let’s compare thoughts for a minute. Which feels better: “I can’t get what I want unless I know how or when it will come to me.” or “I don’t have to know or worry about how or when things I want will come to me.” “If I don’t plan and stick to a plan for getting what I want, what I want will never come to me.” or “The plan for getting what I want has already been taken care of, all I have to do is be happy.” For step 2, not knowing is better! Even if we can think of five different ways what we want could come to us, attention to those thoughts put us out of alignment with the hundred other ways that would work. Why not embrace something that is beyond our wildest dreams? (See how fun that thought is? What comes to me will be beyond my wildest dreams!)

Step 3 is coming into alignment with what we want. Here’s something fun: by rejoicing in “I don’t know” you’re at least halfway there. “I don’t know” has so much baggage attached to it usually. (I don’t know: but I should; and it scares me; and not knowing will keep me from getting what I want; but other people do and not knowing makes me less or dumb; and there’s only a limited amount of time to figure things out.) If we can say, “I don’t know and I’m glad I don’t know because it makes my life so much easier,” we’ve knocked a big obstacle to happiness out of our way.

The tricky (and awesome) part of Step 3 is that we can’t work or worry our way into alignment. Thinking, “I need to work on that” creates an out of alignment vibration. So does thinking or worrying that we need to be better or more or different than we are. What brings us into alignment is feeling happy. What brings us into alignment is feeling content. If our reaction to wanting more is “Woohoo! I’ve just asked for more and now it’s coming!” we’re in alignment. If our reaction to wanting more is, “What do I do to get what I want?” we’re not in alignment. We don’t do anything, the Universe/Source/God does all the doing. We get to focus on being happy and the only action for us to focus on is the action that makes us feel eager or passionate or excited or content. Yes, that’s right, we can come into alignment with anything we want by petting puppies or playing with kittens.

Now, I’m not saying that if we enter a puppy vacuum where all day is playing with puppies people will knock on our doors with handfuls of cash (although I guess I’m not ruling it out, because Hello! Doggy Day Care). I’m saying that if the only thing we care about focusing our attention on is things that bring us joy then we will be inspired to do things that will bring us what we want. We won’t have to struggle or force ideas or pound the pavement. We will just play and be inspired and let our world move around us to bring more and more and more happiness into our lives.

If thinking about the future makes you unhappy, focus on the now. Instead of worrying about what will make you happy in five years or five months or five days, think about what will make you happy in five seconds or five minutes or five hours. Will taking a break or going for a walk or eating a candy bar or calling your best friend or petting a kitten make you happy in five minutes? Do it and appreciate the fact that by doing it you’ve moved that much closer to everything you could ever want. Recognize that being happy in five years starts and ends with being happy right now, right this second. Everything else will take care of itself.

Here are some affirmations that will help us own “I don’t know,”:

• “I don’t know how, but everything will work out.”
• “My life is so exciting because I don’t know how happiness is going to pop up next in my life.”
• “I’m so relieved I don’t have to manage all the details of my happiness.”
• “I’m grateful that I can delegate the logistics of the manifestation process to the Universe.”
• “It’s so fun to focus on being happy rather than figuring out the pesky details of things.”
• “Every day something wonderful I never imagined comes to me.”
• “When I concentrate on things that make me happy rather than things I “should” be doing my life is so much easier.”

The way to stop feeling sad is to choose to take a little step towards feeling better and generating a feeling of relief. If you’re depressed, the feeling that may bring you relief from depression might be anger. So get angry. If you’re feeling disillusioned, the feeling that may bring you relief could be optimism. Just step as high as you can in any given moment. Reach for thoughts that bring relief and as you reach for them keep asking, “Do I feel better or worse?”

The beauty of this is that you will immediately feel some relief, and the more you do it the better you will feel. The other fun part of this process is that the more you do it, the more it will become an unconscious process and you’ll feel bad less and less. The ideal is looking forward to contrast as you realize that the contrast is helping to bring you what you actually want.

Have you ever tried not to think of something, only to have that something dominate your thoughts? There’s a famous experiment where researchers told the subject to try not to think of a white bear and then had them blurt out whatever came into their mind over the next five minutes.

What dominated their thoughts? You got it. White bears.

Here’s an article that suggests it’s the same with our negative thoughts. Trying not to think those thoughts will only make them breed like bunnies.

The trick, according to the article, isn’t suppression, it’s redirection…

For those of us on the positive thinking path, we’re acquainted with the spiral of negative thinking. We believe that positive thinking creates good in our lives so when we have negative thoughts we worry that we’re undermining that and then by thinking that we’re undermining positive thinking we’re making it worse which leads to being upset which leads to us thinking it will be worse etc. etc. etc.

The article referenced in the post has a great alternative to help snap us out of our negative thoughts: ask yourself a question (specifically about how you can turn the situation around or about what your goals are). I would take this idea further by suggesting that you turn the situation around. Whatever subject you’re feeling negative about, you can redirect those thoughts by thinking, “This situation is a blessing because …” or “This situation is helping me learn something about myself because …”

I love this idea for a couple of reasons. First, it’s a constructive way to let go of our negative thoughts and/or face our fear. If we run away from our negative thoughts instead of trying to figure out why they’re there, they just take up that much more attention (often in the background, churning away). If we can turn them around and look at things in a more positive light, the fear and negativity will dissipate before we spend too much time on them. Second, the more you look for the blessing in the curve balls life throws at you, the easier it will be to find blessings all around you. Things that would typically phase you become opportunities for growth and passion.

My go to blessing is that the contrast in our lives helps us ask for what we want. In other words, every time we see or experience something we don’t want, we ask for what we do want. And the Universe always says yes.

What blessings are around you?

Here’s what I’ve come up with: I think the reason we need permission to let go of a lot of obligation in our lives is that the obligation did not come from inside of us in the first place. We don’t inherently want to make ourselves miserable to look or be a certain way, but there is typically a lot of pressure to do so. So much pressure, in fact, that we feel like we’re failing if we don’t conform to the standards that other people have set for us. If someone sets new standards that are easier for us to take steps towards we feel relief because they have given us permission to take an easier path. Somehow, what we really think gets mixed up in these standards and we lose part of ourselves to the process.

So. This post is about increasing our awareness of our perceived obligations and letting them go. We’re allowed to be who we are right now, all the time, without anyone else’s input. I’m going to give examples of obligations I’ve found in myself and others and then give us permission to let them go.

Body Obligations
You don’t have to be fat or sick to appreciate these—body obligations are some of the strongest imposed by society today. There is a monumental push for us to be super thin. Thin is typically a benchmark for beauty, health, and class. Fat is typically a benchmark for ugliness, illness, poverty. I’m here to tell you that fat or thin is just a condition of body. It’s not an indication of beauty or health or economic status. Neither is it an indication of morality, personal strength, or intelligence. Deep down most of us know this, but because we’re barraged by the message that thin = good and fat = bad multiple times on a daily basis, it’s easy to forget.

No one has ever proven that fat people eat more than thin people. This perception has been shaped by media and their manipulation and portrayal of what being fat means. There is a preponderance of evidence that shows that health is a determination of lifestyle rather than weight. Thin people who never exercise and eat crap are just as unhealthy as fat people who live the same kind of life. Likewise, fat people who eat nutritious foods and exercise on a regular basis are just as healthy as thin people who do the same (and actually there are studies that suggest extra fat helps with a variety of illnesses from cancer to diabetes—yes that’s right, diabetes—and helps people recover from heart attacks). Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Right now, thin is held up as an ideal for beauty, but if you’ve seen art or studied history you know this certainly wasn’t always true. The truth is, beauty can be found everywhere in anything if we just look for it.

So you knew this was coming, but you don’t owe it to anyone to be thin. In fact, you owe it to yourself to give yourself a break about what you weigh or how you look. Some magic number on a scale isn’t going to keep you happy for long because as humans we are always striving for more and to be better. If weight is a marker for happiness then we would always be chasing a number rather than being present in our physical bodies and listening to what they’re telling us. You’re allowed to be happy no matter how much you weigh.

Here’s one you might not have seen coming: you don’t owe it to anyone to be healthy either. Just as there is a cult of thin, there’s an obvious cult of health. I’ve seen many people in fat activist circles who push being healthy as an acceptable excuse for being fat. “Don’t hate on me because I’m fat—I’ve got great cholesterol and blood pressure. And I exercise a lot and love salad.” I think the cry should be, “Don’t hate on me because I’m fat. I’m a person with a particular body type making my way through this world and my body type and lifestyle aren’t hurting you.”

Life is about what makes each of us happy. If what gives me good thoughts and makes me happy right now is that I’m not going to worry about what I eat and how much I exercise because I know nothing can hurt me if I don’t let it, then that’s how I’m going to live my life. If what gives me good thoughts is that I love the way my body feels when I move and I love the way I feel when I heat nutritious food then that’s how I’m going to live my life. And either choice is completely valid. The only voice that needs to be heeded is the voice inside of us when it’s telling us how to be happy. You’re allowed to be happy no matter how healthy you are.

Life Choice Obligations
That said, you don’t owe it to anyone to be happy. If you want to be miserable and see the evil or bleakness in everything than go right ahead. No one can make the choice to be happy for anyone but themselves. You are not weak or stupid or deficient if you need to be upset. It is a life choice and a set of circumstances just as any other state of being.

I’m assuming though, if you’re reading this blog—one dedicated to finding bliss that is—that you do want to be happy. We’re all going to encounter people who have an idea of what will make us happy. (Hello! This is the blogger who is giving you suggestions about what will make you happy.) Many of them really want to see us happy and have big hopes for us and make suggestions based on what they think or have experienced. Sometimes, other people can see things for us that we can’t see because we’re emotionally invested in our current situation. Even so, we need to take steps that are accessible to us based on where we are right now.

So the question to ask is what will actually make us feel better than we are feeling right now? Not what should make us feel better, but what actually will make us feel better. Here’s a bunch more things that may be on your “should” list that you’re not obligated to do:

You don’t owe it to anyone to:

• go back school,
• have a high powered job,
• have a low powered job,
• have lots of money,
• be poor,
• be smart,
• be beautiful,
• have certain things,
• be “good”,
• be “bad”,
• think a certain way,
• agree,
• be different,
• be cheerful,
• be sad,
• be a great mother/family member/employee,
• [insert your own here].

You are the only one who knows what will make you happy. If you’re working towards something and it makes you feel like crap, that is not what will make you happy, because, wait for it … it’s not making you happy. If you think you “should” be doing something because it will make you happy, but the thought that you “should” do it is making you miserable, stop thinking that thought and do and think what actually gives you a feeling of happiness or relief. Here are some examples—think about which thoughts feel better to you:

“I should go to school so I can get a better job.” Or “I love my job.” Or “I can find a new one that I’m great at right now” Or “I would love to go back to school so I can learn new things and live the life of a student.”

“I should lose some weight.” Or “I love myself no matter how much I weigh.” Or “My lifestyle is really fulfilling to me.” Or “I’m looking forward to moving my body because it makes me feel great.” Or “I’m really happy to be me in all my uniqueness.”

I may not know you personally, but I can tell you with 100% certainty:

You are awesome. You’ve had so many interesting experiences, made fantastic choices, and are an incredible manifester. You are someone I’d like to know. You know what makes you happy and are completely capable of managing your own life. Your body is a wonderful machine that helps you experience the world in a way that only you can. You have it in you to live a joyful and fulfilling life and you do things every day to help make that happen. The only person you owe anything to is yourself.

Federer has inspired an army of purple prose-writing editorialists to write encomiums to his play. Often the questions he is asked tend to come with a subtext of, “Your genius far exceeds these other guys, huh?” Further, writers tend to explain his dominance as a form of better thinking. But, during the U.S. Open, Federer often downplayed the amount of thinking and conscious effort he needs to put into playing tennis. It’s as if he’s trying to say, “Guys, I just go out there and play my game. I’m not a ballet dancer or an aeronautical engineer. I’m a tennis player, and I react to what happens out there.”

At this stage of his career, Federer more and more resembles Pete Sampras in his approach to winning. It’s not about the other guy, it’s about what you know you will summon from yourself at times of need. I suppose winning as much as those two guys have builds something more than confidence, something like faith.

Federer has that faith (and so did Rod Laver, judging by some fascinating comments Rosangel put up on the “Simply the Best?” post). And he’s less strategic than many analysts would have you believe. He’s not out there thinking all that consciously about slicing followed by the deep topspin forehand followed by the dropshot. His is an athletic genius, after all, and as he says, “it goes too fast.” Instead, he uses his mind to make sure he’s ready to concentrate at those crucial moments he is so good at identifying, and once there, doing what comes to him. That’s what I think he meant when he said, after Isner, “it’s all in the mind and it’s all in the moment.“

My favorite part of that is that it’s not about anyone else, it’s about what we know about ourselves. And further, it’s about unwavering focus on what we know. We’re all not Roger Federer, obviously, but we all don’t want to be great tennis players either. This is a great reminder to evaluate what we know about ourselves and what we want. It’s important to throw away all those thoughts that don’t make us feel good and selectively focus on the thoughts that make us feel great and empowered. Once our attention is focused more on knowing that were capable of doing, everything we set our attention to than on what we specifically need to do, the details will take care of themselves.

By focusing our attention selectively that way, our manifestation process becomes a question of what (what we want) not how (what the Universe does to bring it to us). (Say that to yourself a hundred times: I need to focus on what not how. What not how.) One thing I’ve been saying over and over to myself when I worry about something is, “I don’t know how this is all going to work out, but I know it will. The Universe always says yes.” and I stop worrying. (Sometimes for about ten minutes and then I say the same thing to myself again.)

What do you know about yourself? What are some of the things that you naturally assume? What can you do to tweak those things to make each moment better for yourself?

Personal development is a large topic that includes but is not limited to (law of attraction, goals, time management, physical fitness, education, motivation, inspiration, and social skills). This list should include any blog you feel can benefit us in our growth process.

I’m honored to be on the list and have a few contributions. Most of the people I read on a regular basis were already on there, and then I noticed one area sadly lacking: Body Acceptance. So here are my contributions to help fill in the gap:

Peggy Elam at On the Whole
Good With Cheese at Good With Cheese
Kate Harding at Shapely Prose
The Rotund at The Rotund
Laurie Toby Edison at Body Impolitic

Sometimes I have negative emotions about the consequences of how I’m spending my time. I feel like I should be more productive or doing different things that traditionally lead to the results (in this case, income) I desire. I know from a deep place inside of me, though, that living a traditional life will not give me the same kind of fulfillment.

This is the affirmation I use when those negative emotions and thoughts pop up: My job is to be happy and employer is the Universe who always pays me what I ask for. That reminds me to keep doing things that make me feel good, and to ask for A LOT.