03.05.07
Imaginary Conversations
I used to be afraid of confrontation. I would start out by being upset that someone was mad at me and then get really defensive and say things I’d regret later and/or get so overwhelmed that I couldn’t think of the right thing to say. I began this habit where I would replay the conversation in my head and say all the things I wanted to say–and to be honest most of these conversations in my head were not very nice. I even began to have conversations in my head when I was anticipating a confrontation. “I’ll say this… and he’ll say this…and then I’ll come back and say this” replayed over and over in my head. I wanted to make sure I could control the confrontation when it happened by saying all the right things and blowing the other person away.
I now realize that this was one of the most self-destructive behaviors I ever engaged in. By having these conversations in my head I was spending a lot of energy having an imaginary conflict. I was maintaining a high level of negative energy and letting it feed a lot of destructive emotions. By anticipating confrontation, I was fueling energy to a situation that might not even develop. I was projecting a worse case scenario. The reality was that in some cases I was getting worked up over a situation that didn’t exist or if the confrontation did happen, it never went the way I had planned because there was another person who I was not in control of involved. Often, the confrontation was a lot worse than it needed to be because I was so pumped up about the situation.
Confrontation is Sometimes Necessary in Life
One of the key points in the film The Secret is that by giving energy to the things we are upset about we strengthen them rather than resolve them. When we brace for confrontation, we are feeding the confrontation. Obviously, confrontation is a key skill in managing our relationships with other people. The word has a negative, in-your-face connotation, but confrontation doesn’t have to be a negative experience. It takes a lot of energy to hide from or rail against things–energy we could be sending to the things we actually want in our lives. When we face fears or situations that are harming us and ask them to go away, we are sending out a message that says we deserve a life without fear and harm. We deal with the situation and then cut off the energy supply towards it.
So how do we diffuse a situation while still standing up for ourselves? The first step is stop imagining unpleasant or angry confrontations. If we find ourselves getting angry or upset when we think about dealing with a certain situation, it’s important to interrupt ourselves immediately and redirect our thoughts towards a peaceful resolution. Keep in mind that we don’t really know how another person will approach the situation and give them the opportunity to react in a positive way. Once we’ve interrupted negative thoughts, direct them instead towards a happy outcome. Imagine the situation either dissipating on it’s own, or coming to a mutual conclusion that benefits everyone involved. Picture yourself satisfied and what your day would be like if the situation were not a problem for you. Surround everyone involved (including yourself!) in white light and wish for everyone’s happiness. Finally, if we do find ourselves in a confrontation, it’s important to be flexible and respect the unexpected. Things may take a turn that we could not anticipate, but if we stay positive the outcome will be for the highest good of everyone involved.
I hope you are just as pleasantly surprised as I was that expecting positive outcomes instead of preparing for negative ones will dramatically improve your relationship with the people around you and your ability to handle all sorts of confrontations.
